Regrets

Life can sometimes get in the way of your best intentions. Time goes by and often there are missed opportunities or you may even wind up regretting something that you did or didn't do.

I have been living with a major regret for several months now and as much as I struggle with it, I just cannot let it go.


2011 started off very rough for me. I lost my best friend due to cancer that she didn't know she had. It made me make personal vows to myself to take better care of myself which I did. I went out and got those annoying tests and checkups that many of us put off. Thankfully I was healthy and there were no surprises for me.

I was crushed by the sudden loss of my friend and I struggled with depression due to not grieving her passing. I tried to throw myself into things to distract myself from the shock and sadness of it all.

Eventually I realized that I needed to give my grief my attention and I did.

Shortly after this I got involved with a woman's fight to regain custody of her children. Meeting Alaina changed my life. Her fight became my purpose. I threw myself into doing whatever I could to try and get her story out.

I spent several months talking on the phone to her, listening to her story. I believed in her. I was outraged at the unfairness of the situation. It scared me how the justice system didn't listen to the needs of her children and instead emphasized an abused woman's mistakes and punished her for her cancer diagnosis.

Even though it seemed impossible, I believed that the strength and power of many voices would be able to overturn a wrong decision made by an incompentent judge.

Unfortunately, as it sometimes happens in life, the case was not overturned and justice was not found for the family.

As Alaina got busy with her new life, we lost touch.

I got focused on my own personal issues and while she was busy struggling with her new reality, life went on.

Alaina was never far from my thoughts; I just was struggling for my own survival.

At one point Alaina tried to contact me but due to situations I was experiencing, I missed the chance to talk to her.

I regret it. We never were able to get in touch again and now it is too late.

I wish I could have told her that I was sorry for the way it all turned out. I wish I could have told her again how proud I was to know her. She became a hero to many for her brave fight in spite of her diagnosis of cancer. Her love for her children is evident to all. Instead of allowing her abusive ex to beat her down, she chose to fight him.

It doesn't really matter in the end that he won the war. As far as I am concerned she is a winner for just finding the courage to go up against him. She put herself out there for the world to judge and criticize (and some did rather cruely). She is the bravest woman I have ever known.

I know she doesn't think of herself that way. She doesn't see herself as a hero. She is just a mom.

Well Alaina, let me tell you. You are much more than JUST a mom. You have shown the world what a real mom is. You fought for your children although it was tough to put yourself out there to be judged. You still cared enough to try.

I am so sad that I missed that opportunity to talk to you again and tell you that it is okay. Your children know they are loved by you and your love will be their strength and it will never die. No matter what they face in the future, they will always know their mom was there to fight for them.

As you prepare to leave this life I hope that you can believe that your children will be okay. I know you must feel tormented by having to leave them but you did your best by them. Your love will be the light that continues to guide them.

I am sorry that things did not turn out as we all had hoped for you and the children. No one promised that life would be fair but you tried and in the end that is what will be remembered.

No one can ever break the bond between a mother and a child and that love is eternal.