The "Fixer"

From an early age we fall into a role that often defines who we are for the rest of our lives.

In every family there is the "fixer". You know who I mean. The person who takes on the role of caring for others, making sure everything is "just right" and feeling as if it is their responsibility to "handle" every situation, even when it is out of their control. They often take the blame when they shouldn't and this irrational sense of personal responsibility continues throughout their lives.

Their needs are often put on the back burner as they continue to sacrifice for the others in their world.

The "fixer" feels guilt when life doesn't go as they planned even when it is outrageously wrong for them to do so. Their guilt is misplaced because there are many events in life that are beyond their control. A fixer cannot fix everything.

The "fixer"s way of thinking often enables others around them. It causes the "baby" of the family to be more self-absorbed and develop a sense of entitlement. If the fixer is always picking up the pieces, why should the baby take responsibility for his (or her) actions?

So how does someone stop being the fixer? Any pattern we learn as a child is something that we have been doing for a long time. Breaking any behavior pattern takes time.

When you decide to stop being the fixer it can be hard. The feeling of guilt is so strong. There is a self-esteem issue at the core of being the fixer. A part of you feels as if you are not worthy and deserving. You have been putting yourself last for so long that the habit is hard to break.

The bottom line is that you got into this role as a child and it is not a healthy behavior.

Many fixers believe that being selfish is a bad personality trait but if you look at the other people in your life you will see that many of them have no problem thinking about themselves. Why can't you?

Letting go of the idea that being "selfish" is a bad thing is the first place to start. You need to realize your needs and attend to them. Many things in life are out of your control. You cannot fix it all. All we can do (sometimes) is to control how we react to life events. We cannot change them. We cannot manipulate them to how we think they should be.

We certainly can never ever control the actions of others. We must allow others to live with the consequences of their actions. If you constantly are doing something for others how can they ever learn to do it themselves? They can't, they won't and they will always expect you to do it for them.

Everyone is deservig of certain things in this life. It starts with self-respect, self-love and acceptance.

There is a deep-seeded reason why you feel unworthy. The fixer does feel unworthy. If you can take a look at yourself and admit it, you will see the truth. Your sense of self is damaged and it can be repaired. The burden of carrying everyone elses' troubles can be lifted from your shoulders.

You can live the live that you deserve to live. The life everyone deserves.

Own up to your actions and stop feeling responsible for everyone elses'. That role you fell into in childhood does not need to define your entire adulthood. Break free and discover who you are and what you want/need/desire.