Groundhog Day

I have been awake for more than 4 hours now but don't feel like I have accomplished a thing...that is the life of being long-term unemployed. It is hard to hold onto a purpose and lately, every day feels like the movie Groundhog Day.

I wake up only to make sure my teenager gets off to school. My days feel like I am only here to accomodate others. Keep the house clean, the laundry caught up, clean up after meals, have coffee ready for my husband,etc. The only thing I do for me is shower.

It is easy to fall into a trap of feeling like I am not worthy. When I worked full time I still was responsible for these daily "chores" and I managed to do them. Not bringing money into the household is not the only reason for my stress and feelings of unworthiness. It is the overall feeling that each day has become a never-ending repeat of the previous one.

When I first became unemployed it was easier. I was excited to have the time to explore other options. Maybe it helped that I also had an unemployment check coming every other week.

Recently some FB friends expressed the idea that we can get too "hung up" on not having money, stressing about money and how it isn't such a bad thing to not be attached.

I am guessing that none of these people have ever experienced homelessness. Trust me, it sucks.

What is worse is that every single day I get no closer to finding a steady paycheck. Maybe that is being pessimistic, but it is also realistic. Employers want an explanation for the gap in my resume and although I can say that I have been "self" employed for the past 4 years, some are not buying it.

In the meantime, my husband is losing weight and becoming stressed because all he does is work. He starts his first job at 8 a.m., comes home about 6 p.m. and has dinner and is in bed by 7:30 so he can get to his second job at 1 or 2 a.m. He gets one night off a week from the second job and weekend days from his first job. For a man of 51, he works like a dog and his body is rebelling.

Meanwhile I cannot possibly enjoy a thing knowing how he is killing himself just to keep us from losing our home. I feel like I must punish myself even though I know it is not my fault that I lost my job. My boss closed the business down; I had no choice in becoming unemployed.

Thanks to a back injury, I can no longer do many things that I used to take for granted. This limits me in what kind of work I can do.

To add insult to injury, I don't have a car anymore either. My husband's car had to be junked and since he is the one with a job(s), I am housebound. Being stuck here day in and day out isn't healthy either. The Internet is my lifeline to the world and it isn't always a healthy one.

Writing such a personal blog post like this one is an example. I don't want pity. I hate pity.

The obstacles that life has thrown my way aren't as horrible as other peoples'. I know this. I also know that I should feel gratitude for all the family members who have helped me through this rough time.

The problem is that they cannot continue to help me much longer. Although I have tried and not been able to succeed at helping myself, I am not giving up. I just cannot seem to find the right direction to go in.

I talk myself out of negative thinking and work at looking at the silver lining. That gets me through but the truth is that I am not solving anything. At the end of the day, it is another Groundhog Day and I just can't take it anymore.