September

Some days I cannot help but feel down.

Once again it is September and although it is a time I look forward to it is also a time I dread.

The school year begins again and I struggle with a teenager who has a depressive disorder and the behavior that comes along with it.

I am unemployed (again) and I worry that my next opportunity isn't happening fast enough.

My life is upside down right now and even though I remind myself I have survived harder times, I am getting worn out from the fight.

Uncertainty is a part of life; I accept that. What I can no longer accept is the inability to realize my dreams.

Money (the lack of it) always holds me back.

I get angry when I hear people say or write about how money is so unimportant and you should focus on the blessings in your life.

I agree with that up to a point. If you struggle to put food on the table, you cannot consistently pay your basic living expenses and you neglect your health because you just have no money to pay for your care, it can be hard to face each day with hope.

I am one of the many people in this country who is classified as the working poor. My husband works but because of his income we do not qualify for assistance. Even when I was working we never had extra. I was underemployed but at least I was employed. The problem is that when you cannot seem to find steady income you just are never able to catch up.

Downsizing is another option but honestly I am so lucky to have lived in a home where my rent has not increased in many years. To start all over somewhere else would cost me much more than I pay now so I stay and struggle.

The only thing that is going to save me is to find a job. It isn't for lack of searching. I just don't know what it is going to take to secure a job.

I keep telling myself that everything is going to work out. Seems I have been telling myself this for a long time.

Maybe everything will not work out the way I want to but it will be the way it is supposed to be.

Does that comfort me? Not really.

I feel like my life is on hold. I don't know how to relax because I keep myself busy in order to not allow fear to creep into my thoughts. Fear does come in and I work through it but if I just keep on plugging away I hope that I will finally reap the rewards.

It hasn't happened yet.

So as September begins a part of me just wants it gone. I am tired of the hope for better things only to be faced with the reality of my life.

Maybe this post isn't the positive, up-lifting words many of you expect from me but this is the reality that I am feeling right now.

Some say you have to hit the bottom before you rise to the top. When life feels very dark there always will be a light that shines. I am looking for that light and trying to focus on it.

Hopefully it brightens soon.