Overcoming Fear

Fear can be suffocating and even though the sufferer knows how irrational it is, often one cannot seem to find power over it.

For some reason (do I really need to know why?) I am claustraphobic. Horribly claustrophobic to the point where I cannot spend much time in a shopping mall, some stores, or even in crowded areas. So having an MRI is absolutely a huge challenge for me.

Unfortunately I have been dealing with a health problem for too many years and in order to see what is going on in my body, I had to have a pelvic MRI done today.

Thankfully this was not scheduled until late Thursday, giving me not a lot of time to panic about it. (hahaha)

As I drove to my appointment today it was easy to overcome any driving anxiety I might have normally dealt with because I was busy "psyching" myself up to have the MRI done. I told myself that I would do this without panic and I would use the power of my mind to overcome any fear that might happen.

All was good until I walked into the room and saw the tube-like machine. All bets were off.

I told the technician that this was going to be a problem for me and knowing I had no choice I asked for a minute to pop a pill to relax me. At first she was unsympathetic, which I ignored. I took a pill hoping that the psychological suggestion of taking a Xanax would help me overcome the dread I felt.

The tech returned with another tech, a man who instantly helped to put me at ease. He reminded me that the machine was open very near where my head was and if I was to look back I could see him.

He very kindly stayed there while they started the procedure, talking to me and helping me to re-focus.

The entire procedure took about 30 minutes but it could have been 3 hours. My back was aching from laying on the cold, hard table and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I focused on staying as still as possible.

As I laid there I could feelthe enclosure I was in. Although my eyes were closed, the sensation was suffocating. I kept trying to go somewhere else but the noise made it hard to even with ear plugs.

I got angry with myself as I usually do when I experience panic attacks. I hate allowing anything/anyone to have power over me. I hate to admit it but I don't like to feel powerless. I am strong and I know this. Except for when I am put in positions such as having an MRI that is.

I am sure that there are people who can identify with what I experienced today. I hope someday that having to have a simple test like this will not cause me such emotional/psychological turmoil.

Overcoming your fear is something that doesn't happen overnight. I have been working on my "issues" for a long time. I reward myself for doing the things that I couldn't do before. Recovery is about baby steps and perseverance.

I was diagnosed many years ago with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is not a laughing matter and it is something that when you try and ignore it- things just get worse. Anxiety is a side effect of not getting treatment (or effective treatment) and as I face the things I don't want to face I become stronger every day.