Holidays can be difficult in many families. Maybe in your family you always feel like a victim and out of some twisted sense of obligation, you keep putting up with it.
Forcing control in a relationship is a sign of abuse but too many people look the other way. They accept it and live their lives like martyrs when they should be standing up to their abuser. When the abuser is your family member, it can take a strong person to leave and never look back. It is your family after all.
We put so much into that word “family”. Our expectations of each other are often higher and although we may feel that we are being loving, our actions prove to be anything but. It is hard to parent when you are mimicking what you learned growing up. Few people are able to break the cycle of dysfunction without recognizing that something is not right with how they are living their lives.
It does take courage to look in the mirror and accept that your childhood wasn’t perfect. A person should not feel so alone. Few people can honestly say that they grew up without any moments that they would rather forget.
When you can forgive the dysfunction that you grew up with and leave the past behind, you will grow as a person. You can heal from the wounds that scarred you and learn how to not make the same mistakes. Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook and we can only listen to our hearts and let it be our guide. When you grow up in being taught to deny what you see it can become a way of coping. Pretending becomes easier and you go through your life allowing others to take advantage of your good nature.
You will never get what you really need because you don’t feel worthy of asking for it. You may try and control those in your life, and for a while, it may work. If you are dealing with someone who is strong-willed, you will not be able to control them for long. Battles will begin as you butt heads with the strong-willed person eventually putting the dysfunctional past behind them.
If you are lucky, you can attempt to have a relationship with someone who has caused you pain in the past. Accepting the person for who they are but not allowing them to have the same power they once did will put you in control of your life- the way it should be.
We can co-exist even with differences in opinions. If we do so with mutual respect, love and compassion, the past dysfunction can be healed.
When you have accepted your past for what it was and decide to break the cycle, it can be liberating. It will take time to re-learn how to react to people and circumstances. You become programmed when you are exposed to any form of abuse. Breaking bad habits never happens overnight. With time and patience and a good support system you can learn healthier ways to have relationships.
Holidays can become the joyous occasions that they were meant to be; not a source of dread.
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