Fighting Apprehension

Sometimes you can make yourself ill over events that have not yet occurred. Many of us do this; some call it having anxiety disorder. Although the nerves we can feel when we begin something new to us is normal, sometimes it can escalate and cause extreme panic. As I prepare to work my first 8 hour day at my new job, I am struggling with fear. Not to sound like I am justifying my fears but I do have good reason for my apprehension. I have a back condition that surgery has not yet been able to correct and I have tried a zillion different kinds of therapies to help cope with the daily pain I live with. The problem is that my injury was caused by a work-related accident and because of the laws in my state, my employer's doctors would need to find me unable to work in order for me to receive disability benefits. Am I really disabled? Yes, the truth is that I am. I am unable to perform tasks that I used to pre-accident but my injury is not measurable enough for a doctor to outright call me disabled. It doesn't help that there are too many who fake injury and take advantage of the system. Like most people I need to earn a paycheck. I have tried different work-from-home, self-employed ventures but unfortunately I have not been able to maintain a steady enough income. Jobs are scarce as everyone knows and because of my limitations I am not foolish enough to sign up for something that I know would cause my pain threshold to increase. Well, that is until now. After 3 years of unemployment with a brief period of a temporary job, I jumped at the only offer that I received. The problem is that it requires an awful lot of standing. Standing is not something I do well. I need flexibility and the option to have breaks whenever I need them. No, my new job is not aware of my physical limitations. Who is going to willingly take on an employee with special needs? Although there are laws and tax breaks given to employers who hire the disabled, trust me, being honest does not get you hired. So I am going to give this part-time job a shot. I need to be able to count on a steady paycheck even though I will still be scraping by financially it will be better than not having a steady paycheck. Pain management will be a huge challenge. The fact is that I have to do what I have to do. No one has been on my side through my journey with dealing with this injury. The insurance company does not want to pay. The attorney says the laws have his hands tied and he is not fighting for me either. I stand alone. I perservere because I have no other options. What scares me is how my mood changes from dealing with the severe pain that happens when I push myself to do what my body is unable to. I wish I could control it but when your body is screaming out in pain, it makes you grouchy. I try to tell myself that maybe it won't be so bad but I know better. Every day since I had surgery over a year ago I wake up with the attitude that today will be better but I usually find that not to be true. My surgery was supposed to be my miracle. I hoped and believed it to be with all that I had. I was wrong. But still I hold out hope that one morning I will wake up and go through the whole day pain-free. Maybe, just maybe it will happen. Maybe tomorrow.